Skip to main content

Hurt



Are you a sensitive person? Do you hurt easily and often, when someone is blunt or unkind with you? 



This was me, as a child. I had a decent amount of self confidence, but somehow I did not do well with any negative experience. I bruised over small interactions and never forgot how someone’s cousin’s sister had spoken harshly to me, once. 

My 5-year-old daughter, Reya is exactly the same way.  Cries easily and takes most things personally. She worries about what others think of her and sometimes has a hard time differentiating between constructive criticism and rejection. Matlab, choti choti baaton pe, bade bade aansoon. 😭 

I need to reassure her constantly that she is loved and valued for her mistakes and successes. I tried talking to her about not being so sensitive, about taking things with a brave face. Everything my mom lovingly taught me as a child about how to be a stronger person. 

Before I realized my mistake.

So I switched over to the opposite direction and this is how it went.

“Why are you crying, Reya?”

“Amma! Anya hurt my feelings/I don’t want to play with Neil again/why did Nirav take my toys?”

In the past, I’d have asked her a 100 questions. What happened, who started it, how can you prevent this?
But that’s not important is it? The only thing that matters, is: she feels badly, and she trusts me enough to tell me so. 
Taking a deep breath, I sit at her level.

“I can see how upsetting this is to you, Reya. I can understand. Do you need me to give you ideas or do you just want to cry for a bit?”

“I don’t want to talk about it, Amma.” 

“Ok, why don’t you feel sad for a bit, then? It’s ok to cry when you’re having big feelings. When you’re ready, I’m here to hug you.” 

“I WANT TO CRYYYY! I WANT TO SCREAM!!” Her voice is louder now, because she’s comfortable enough to unleash the true extent of her emotions in front of me. I nod and stay close.

So she sits and weeps for a while, while I rub her back and empathize. I don’t tell her to stop being sensitive, and I don’t argue that it’s not a big deal. It obviously feels huge to her.
After a few minutes, there is silence. Once her sorrow has poured out in angry tears and clenched fists, there is calmness. A deep acceptance, that this too shall pass.

I hug her and plant kisses on her warm, damp cheeks. She gets up, cheerful and already healed, because she was brave enough to face her sadness and make peace with it. It no longer has power over her, and she has let it go. With a smile on her face, she runs off to join her brother and friends on the slides. 

See, when you’re that young, everything seems like a huge deal. Fights with friends, lost toys, scraped knees - they all are equally intense. And when your brain is still developing, it’s hard to change your thought process, just because someone advises you. I mean, even us adults struggle with that, correct? It’s like, if you’re depressed and someone walks up to you and tells you, “oh be happy.” Like, whoa! Thank you boss, if it were only as easy as that!

It’s important to notice “negative” emotions. Sensitivity, fear, rejection, vulnerability. While, these feelings hurt, they are often unavoidable. Rejecting them or pushing them away will not help, at least in the long run. Accepting them helps speed up the healing process. 

True courage is in facing your demons, not running away from them. So what if you want to scream? Do that inside your head, or in a nice, private spot. Cry, if that helps. Don’t shy away from feeling sad. Isn’t it wonderful to care about things so passionately, that your eyes well up? Observe these big feelings and let them wash over you. Watch them float around in your mind, like large, lumpy balloons. It’s so hard, isn’t it? 

But worry not, this isn’t forever. Those balloons WILL get smaller. A few of them WILL lose air completely. 

And sometimes, you’ll realize that you’re ready to open your hands and let those balloons go, into the deep blue sky. 

True courage will only come, when you’re hurt and afraid. 

I learned that recently, from my 5-year-old.



Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Hate the struggles, don't hate Autism.

Its 7 pm. Your child is yelling his head off because he does not want to hop in his bath. Tears are running down his face leaving clear trails in all the grime. Bribes have been offered. Voices raised in despair.  Visual schedules and timers have failed to move him. He does not want to have a bath and that is it. You're exhausted and stunned by the intensity of his tantrum. Unfortunately you cannot budge and you cannot give in because you're scared that it will set a precedent : Mom's a pushover.  But you also know that this tired little boy is soon approaching meltdown junction, where all bets are off and nobody wins. You take deep breaths and tell yourself its not about you right now! How do you help him navigate this ? He loves bath time. He loves water. He'd practically stay at the pool if you'd let him. So why is it suddenly so hard for him?  Why does this bright boy who can do math in his head and talk at length about how to build an airplane st...

20 perfect kernels of popcorn.

Button has always been a picky eater. No.... scratch that. How about super-sensitive-and-guaranteed-to-refuse-any-new-foods. That's a much better description. It's not just an autism thing. Part of it is probably the sensory defensiveness that comes under the autism umbrella and part of is it anxiety about new tastes and textures. I mean - this kid hasn't eaten candy in his entire life!! Could care less about ice cream or pizza! I know, I know - he sounds like an ideal 6 year old who only eats healthy stuff, but man, this is way worse than that. He accepts 6 foods and that's the 6 food choices he's been sticking to for the past 4 years. Its a constant cycle of dosa-pasta-rice-pretzels-chips-fries. So no....not healthy by any means. And his dislike of non preferred foods is so strong, that he will actually gag at us eating a meal. Its that bad! Eating at restaurants means taking his meal along with us and he's that one kid at the party that's eating his ...

Groucho Marx

Today I'm feeling like lists, so here goes. Things that really annoy me : People who brag about how little sleep they got - we get it! Coworkers, cashiers, random people you run into. Somehow this is meant to convey a sense of superpower : "I slept for just 2 hours and look how functional I am". Well, I got news for you! I see all the surreptitious yawns you think you're hiding and I've seen corpses look fresher, so here's your damn medal. Now shut up about sleep! Not-so-obvious racists : See these jerks are worse than overt racists because you can never spot them coming. You're standing in line at the grocery checkout, and you get this weird vibe coming off Cashier Susan who's quick to smile and greet every white customer. But when it's my turn, Cashier Susan will grunt a non committal sound, lose the chirpy eye contact and rush through the process, before smiling widely at the blonde lady next in line. I've seen Cashier Susan fo...