Skip to main content

Big Girls Cry

Some days, acceptance is hard. So horribly hard. Not just autism acceptance. But just acceptance of everything that has been put on your plate. You know all the hope-filled mantras you chant to yourself. And you know how strong your faith is — both in your children and in yourself. But some days, when life hands you those damn lemons, you just want to fling them back in Life’s stupid face. No amount of positive talk is strong enough to lift you out of your funk. You despair at every curve ball thrown at you.
And that is ok. Abso-fricken-lutely OK.
Anger and resentment doesn’t mean you’re a phony. It doesn’t mean you’re going against all the wonderful things you believe in. It simply means you’re human, and because of all the overtime hours you put in, your battery has run out. And for someone who so carefully charges your simple phone why wouldn’t you take some time off to charge yourself? So give yourself time to cry. Let yourself feel all the anger and grief. Those are some pretty powerful emotions and keeping them bottled in is dangerous and… frankly counterproductive. Instead, unleash them in a safe place and manner. Talk to a friend. Vent to your spouse. If you want more privacy, write them down in your journal. Or post them anonymously somewhere, so empathetic strangers can give you virtual love. But importantly allow yourself to hurt. Don’t try to console yourself. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s ok. It obviously doesn’t feel Ok, so why would you believe that! Instead, accept that — Yes, right now life is incredibly sh*tty, but this is not permanent. In that adrenaline rush of high emotions, it’s easy to feel like this horrible day is going to be your forever future. IT IS NOT!
You are immensely strong and powerful in ways you don’t even realize. You are this badas* Goddess who will move heaven and earth for your children. Yes, today you’re wounded and hurt, and you don’t feel like getting up from bed.
But. BUT. Your kid is not going to struggle the same way tomorrow. They are not going to have the same or even similar challenges. They will wake up with a new set of requirements, but also with a well-rested parent, who loves and believes in them even more. You have grieved and even if you are only partially healed that is still a damn better parent than anyone can even be for them.
So even if today is a total Crapfest, don’t give up. Hug your child and love him/her extra hard.Do what needs to done for today, with the full knowledge that it is purely for maintenance purposes and not for new achievements. Permitting yourself to go through this ‘mental spa day’, will help you be stronger tomorrow.
To quote (and add to) a particularly heroic Game of Thrones character, there is only one thing you say to Death AND LIFE — Not Today!
*This was written at the end of a rough week we were having. We survived and even better, thrived.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Pocket of happiness.

This past week, our house underwent some fumigation and so we spent 8ish days at our in-laws’  cottage in Monterey, California. For those unfamiliar with that part of the world, Monterey and its surrounding towns are right next to the Pacific Ocean. Miles of beautiful, unspoiled beaches, not too touristy and of course the world-famous Monterey Bay Aquarium. The weather is never too hot; the beaches are set against a backdrop of lush hills and the sand is always perfect. My idea of heaven on earth. The kids had lots of fun, but because of a sudden increase in downtime (no school) they started having bouts of “I’m so bored/I love the Ocean/I hate the Ocean/I’m angry for no reason”. Typical younger child behavior and something I’d expected would happen. They both thrive on structure, so we tried to keep things as streamlined and predictable as possible.   Of course, my Zen, earth-mother mood didn’t last too long. Between the cooking and cleaning...
Post a Comment
Read more

Soul sister.

It’s past midnight. You’re in bed with your thoughts.   Limbs achy and heart heavy with worries.   Of course, you feel that way, you’re a mother.   You wish you had someone to talk to. Someone to breathe in sync with. Someone who’ll nod at the right places and tell you, you’re doing your best. Your husband is snoring away, the kids are sleeping and no one awake for miles around. You contemplate calling your mother/sister/bestie. But you don’t. You just lie there in bed, feeling small and lonely and not sure why everything hurts so damn much. But you’re actually forgetting someone who has been there all along. She’s watching, listening, making sure you’re still breathing. She loves you more than anyone else, even though she never tells you that. She’s your staunchest ally but can also feel like your worst enemy.   Talk to her. Tell her you’re scared. Show her you’re hurt. She’ll hug you. Maybe yell at you a bit. Even completely distract you and talk about Ra...
Post a Comment
Read more

Valentine's day

We've been married almost 13 years. We're not the limber, young newlyweds - ready to drop everything to run away on a weekend together. We've aged, we've changed and we've learned so much about ourselves and each other. We've had 2 kids together, changed endless diapers, laughed together at baby toes and toots, bought a house, gotten our siblings successfully married (to each other!) and held down good jobs. We've seen euphoric highs, and we've shared some crushing lows which only made us grow more fiercely protective of each other.  I used to be impulsive, willful and headstrong. Thought I knew better. Thought I was this larger than life person with intense emotions and eyes full of stars. You know what my husband changed about that? Nothing! He still believes all those wonderful things about me and still looks at me like I'm the most exquisite woman he's ever laid eyes on. He celebrates my passions and holds me safe when life deals me a few b...
3 comments
Read more