Skip to main content

Big Girls Cry

Some days, acceptance is hard. So horribly hard. Not just autism acceptance. But just acceptance of everything that has been put on your plate. You know all the hope-filled mantras you chant to yourself. And you know how strong your faith is — both in your children and in yourself. But some days, when life hands you those damn lemons, you just want to fling them back in Life’s stupid face. No amount of positive talk is strong enough to lift you out of your funk. You despair at every curve ball thrown at you.
And that is ok. Abso-fricken-lutely OK.
Anger and resentment doesn’t mean you’re a phony. It doesn’t mean you’re going against all the wonderful things you believe in. It simply means you’re human, and because of all the overtime hours you put in, your battery has run out. And for someone who so carefully charges your simple phone why wouldn’t you take some time off to charge yourself? So give yourself time to cry. Let yourself feel all the anger and grief. Those are some pretty powerful emotions and keeping them bottled in is dangerous and… frankly counterproductive. Instead, unleash them in a safe place and manner. Talk to a friend. Vent to your spouse. If you want more privacy, write them down in your journal. Or post them anonymously somewhere, so empathetic strangers can give you virtual love. But importantly allow yourself to hurt. Don’t try to console yourself. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s ok. It obviously doesn’t feel Ok, so why would you believe that! Instead, accept that — Yes, right now life is incredibly sh*tty, but this is not permanent. In that adrenaline rush of high emotions, it’s easy to feel like this horrible day is going to be your forever future. IT IS NOT!
You are immensely strong and powerful in ways you don’t even realize. You are this badas* Goddess who will move heaven and earth for your children. Yes, today you’re wounded and hurt, and you don’t feel like getting up from bed.
But. BUT. Your kid is not going to struggle the same way tomorrow. They are not going to have the same or even similar challenges. They will wake up with a new set of requirements, but also with a well-rested parent, who loves and believes in them even more. You have grieved and even if you are only partially healed that is still a damn better parent than anyone can even be for them.
So even if today is a total Crapfest, don’t give up. Hug your child and love him/her extra hard.Do what needs to done for today, with the full knowledge that it is purely for maintenance purposes and not for new achievements. Permitting yourself to go through this ‘mental spa day’, will help you be stronger tomorrow.
To quote (and add to) a particularly heroic Game of Thrones character, there is only one thing you say to Death AND LIFE — Not Today!
*This was written at the end of a rough week we were having. We survived and even better, thrived.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Hate the struggles, don't hate Autism.

Its 7 pm. Your child is yelling his head off because he does not want to hop in his bath. Tears are running down his face leaving clear trails in all the grime. Bribes have been offered. Voices raised in despair.  Visual schedules and timers have failed to move him. He does not want to have a bath and that is it. You're exhausted and stunned by the intensity of his tantrum. Unfortunately you cannot budge and you cannot give in because you're scared that it will set a precedent : Mom's a pushover.  But you also know that this tired little boy is soon approaching meltdown junction, where all bets are off and nobody wins. You take deep breaths and tell yourself its not about you right now! How do you help him navigate this ? He loves bath time. He loves water. He'd practically stay at the pool if you'd let him. So why is it suddenly so hard for him?  Why does this bright boy who can do math in his head and talk at length about how to build an airplane st...
Post a Comment
Read more

20 perfect kernels of popcorn.

Button has always been a picky eater. No.... scratch that. How about super-sensitive-and-guaranteed-to-refuse-any-new-foods. That's a much better description. It's not just an autism thing. Part of it is probably the sensory defensiveness that comes under the autism umbrella and part of is it anxiety about new tastes and textures. I mean - this kid hasn't eaten candy in his entire life!! Could care less about ice cream or pizza! I know, I know - he sounds like an ideal 6 year old who only eats healthy stuff, but man, this is way worse than that. He accepts 6 foods and that's the 6 food choices he's been sticking to for the past 4 years. Its a constant cycle of dosa-pasta-rice-pretzels-chips-fries. So no....not healthy by any means. And his dislike of non preferred foods is so strong, that he will actually gag at us eating a meal. Its that bad! Eating at restaurants means taking his meal along with us and he's that one kid at the party that's eating his ...
1 comment
Read more

Groucho Marx

Today I'm feeling like lists, so here goes. Things that really annoy me : People who brag about how little sleep they got - we get it! Coworkers, cashiers, random people you run into. Somehow this is meant to convey a sense of superpower : "I slept for just 2 hours and look how functional I am". Well, I got news for you! I see all the surreptitious yawns you think you're hiding and I've seen corpses look fresher, so here's your damn medal. Now shut up about sleep! Not-so-obvious racists : See these jerks are worse than overt racists because you can never spot them coming. You're standing in line at the grocery checkout, and you get this weird vibe coming off Cashier Susan who's quick to smile and greet every white customer. But when it's my turn, Cashier Susan will grunt a non committal sound, lose the chirpy eye contact and rush through the process, before smiling widely at the blonde lady next in line. I've seen Cashier Susan fo...
Post a Comment
Read more