Big Girls Cry

Some days, acceptance is hard. So horribly hard. Not just autism acceptance. But just acceptance of everything that has been put on your plate. You know all the hope-filled mantras you chant to yourself. And you know how strong your faith is — both in your children and in yourself. But some days, when life hands you those damn lemons, you just want to fling them back in Life’s stupid face. No amount of positive talk is strong enough to lift you out of your funk. You despair at every curve ball thrown at you.

And that is ok. Abso-fricken-lutely OK.

Anger and resentment doesn’t mean you’re a phony. It doesn’t mean you’re going against all the wonderful things you believe in. It simply means you’re human, and because of all the overtime hours you put in, your battery has run out. And for someone who so carefully charges your simple phone why wouldn’t you take some time off to charge yourself? So give yourself time to cry. Let yourself feel all the anger and grief. Those are some pretty powerful emotions and keeping them bottled in is dangerous and… frankly counterproductive. Instead, unleash them in a safe place and manner. Talk to a friend. Vent to your spouse. If you want more privacy, write them down in your journal. Or post them anonymously somewhere, so empathetic strangers can give you virtual love. But importantly allow yourself to hurt. Don’t try to console yourself. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s ok. It obviously doesn’t feel Ok, so why would you believe that! Instead, accept that — Yes, right now life is incredibly sh*tty, but this is not permanent. In that adrenaline rush of high emotions, it’s easy to feel like this horrible day is going to be your forever future. IT IS NOT!

You are immensely strong and powerful in ways you don’t even realize. You are this badas* Goddess who will move heaven and earth for your children. Yes, today you’re wounded and hurt, and you don’t feel like getting up from bed.

But. BUT. Your kid is not going to struggle the same way tomorrow. They are not going to have the same or even similar challenges. They will wake up with a new set of requirements, but also with a well-rested parent, who loves and believes in them even more. You have grieved and even if you are only partially healed that is still a damn better parent than anyone can even be for them.

So even if today is a total Crapfest, don’t give up. Hug your child and love him/her extra hard.Do what needs to done for today, with the full knowledge that it is purely for maintenance purposes and not for new achievements. Permitting yourself to go through this ‘mental spa day’, will help you be stronger tomorrow.

To quote (and add to) a particularly heroic Game of Thrones character, there is only one thing you say to Death AND LIFE — Not Today!

*This was written at the end of a rough week we were having. We survived and even better, thrived.